really, we have our own live.
we own it.
its our life.
we cant just let it go, let it flow, let the 'time' answering.
we can do it.
its our own life
not other shits life.
we have it.
we own it
we rule it.
we are the sailor of our own ships
we have the right for our own anchor. we can settle it, whatever we want. its our own.

c'est tout.

//me trying to motivated my own soul//

Losing a mind.

Maybe,
The biggest problem in me is
I always want to be different
I desire to be that 'one in a million'

But i live in the earth
Where the reality is, everybody is the same
And im nothing
I did nothing
I just have my desire
Without trying to be the one

Yet, once ive got the "different"
I will cursed myself
I will hate the world
Because its not fair

I believe its not you
The causes of this messes
Its not you
Its just my mind
That was so messed up
Its not you
Its not.
Help me
To believe this is not you.

Still falling

It feels like you lift me up
To the cloud nine
But you didnt know
You didnt realize it

And we both were forgot the parachute
While you just go with your own clouds
Im falling and i hit the ground too hard

He write so many poems
I fall
He picturing her like an paradise
It hurts

A story

Im afraid to say this..
But
I am loathed you
For being who you are

And i am loath of you
I dont think you deserve my soul

While you were on that sky with so many heavens spreading around there

I was in that sky too.
But there was a time
When these eyes
Yours and mine
Collide.
And i get lost in it
But seems like you dont do the same
And that time. Im fall from the sky
To the ground
You never know

And its make me loathed you

--

let me tell you

about one amazing story

that you never

ever heard in your life

i have always miss you

even when you were not in this world
anymore.

shameless

(1)

I don’t want to hurt you but you lived for the pain

There was so many thing that you could erased from your highly intelligent brain. That’s what she thought to herself for many years.

But, of-fucking-course. There’s one thing, or several thing that she cant easily erased from her holy brains.

Thinking of that were only make her want to punched herself. God, why the hell did her brain come with that shitty thought when she was on her way to calm her mind?!

Without any doubt, she found her hand were already punch her own head. Hurt? Hell no, suffocating herself was way more better than letting her brain drowns with all of those memories and tragedies that spin around in her head.

One thing for sure; She need him.

Her hand immediately grasp for her phone, unlocked it and open her messages to text him.

God, in this situation she can’t  just talk to him. She didn’t know how to talk to him with her wonderful mouth. She’ll lost her word right when she hear his voice if  she were really want to talk to him.

            Where r u?

            She send that text and then throw her phone that fortunately landed safely in her bed.

            One second later, that poor phone rings. His text. She let her breathe she didn’t know she hold. She knows the he always there for him. Shameless.

            I know that’s not ur point. Be there in 5 min

            She let a wide smile come from her lip. For God Sake, she really adore him.

            While waiting him to come, she opened the stopwatch apps in her phone and set in 5 minutes. And she watch the number of the stopwatch changed and the time flies. This is what she usually do in situation like this.

            3 minutes..

            I swear to God if he come late, I will kick him right in the ass

            She smiled when she hear her thought let out that statement. It will always her thought that make her feel alive. Even sometime her thought have the responsibility to make her feel dead, too.

            And that Man? He always rescued her.

            One fucking minutes left.      

            She heard mumbling voice from the window. Immediately she open the curtain to see the beautiful creatures standing abruptly trying to open the windows. He feel someone watching him and he turn his head to found her. Standing calmly while watching who look like an idiot trying to push some snails to run.

            “you do know that you can help me with open this fucking window, right?”

            “idiot. Nobody forbid you to entered this room by the front door”

            His eyes widened and then realize

            “of course, you didn’t” meaning that nobody live in her house. Of course, her parent was an asshole, and her sister is a fucking whore and then leave alone his girl that trying to stay alive from her deadly thought. And of course she ask him to come to her house. To save her.

            He just didn’t think that her house were empty so he choosed to climb in to her windows. Idiot

            He rolled his eyes “just fucking open the windows, Hudson” her surname. She just smile hearing his voice spelling her name like that. Its just too mesmerized for her.

            “hell nah” and she flee away from those mesmerized eyes to her bed. Let out the breath she didn’t realize she hold.

            And there was enchanted to meet you.

-

            She thought words is really cant let out from her mouth when it come to him, but life is always love to playing with her. She thought about it, and reality split it around and what she thought is nil. But vice versa.

            She don’t know what the hell is happening with her life, what is she doing.

            She don’t know anything.

            That man is the only thing she know in this fucked-up world.

            But right now, she had no idea where the hell he is.

            And her mind doesn’t let her to just called his phone. So she decided to go outside to find him.

            For the first time in whole years, she will go leaving her house.

             If I was him, where would I’ll be in this fucking midnight?

            God. She didn’t really know him. Where was he lived, what he like. She don’t know anything about him. All she know that he was her lifesaver. How could she find him right now? Where she will going to find him?

            She didn’t think about it. Shit.

            Now. What could she do?

            Punch her head. Literally.

            Punishment is really a good thing to do for the sake of her stupid boldness.

            Came out of nowhere. She found a knife in her pocket. She took it, of course

           

(2)

And it started all over again.

Her being a selfish bitch. Ignoring him when she know she needs him. Too much.

And then him being him. Still quiet because he don’t want to piss her off.

But. That quiet. Is the final reason that make her mad.

She still remembering how he said her name. with a little bit doubt, lower voice.  but she know he was saying her name. her nickname. It was an amazing voice that was came out from his mouth when he said her name.

It really is

But then she remember, she’s being a selfish bitch that she ignored that voice. Still wearing that sour face but at the same time her heart and brain is really being happy.

He’s always good at making her feeling happy.

But not with making her face look happy.

God, she is so tired of being selfish bitch like this.

What she want always happen in the bad time.

He always see her in her bad condition

But she know. He will never give up on her.

Never.

He cant.

 Because she always praying to lord for him to be always be with her. Fight her. Don’t let her go.

Please.

(3)

“say it louder, say it louder, who’s gonna love you like me?”

It’s been awhile since she have a ‘real’ talk. This time, she have this conversation with a woman, pretty faces with glasses and always wearing a white outfit no matter what time or day it is. But it’s pretty cool, though, she thought, because that white vibes from that woman makes her soul calm and she think that woman is gorgeous. That’s why she choose her to be the one she will talking with.

Talking about everything

Especially, of course about Him.

“sometimes, you know, I feel like a bitch to him. He is so good oh my God.”

That woman smiles, seems like everything she says was a very big golden for this woman

“I know right?” that woman answer calmly “and you know, what most people say; the good one belong to the good one and vice versa.” She looked at her deeply “you are a good girl, Thalia, don’t try to decline it. You know he is good for you and he never left. That’s mean he is belong to you and just like what you said, he is so good, huh? So did you.”

“you just need to keep it in your mind, you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

“don’t let your mind think otherwise, stay positive. Remember, you are a good girl.”

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

And she tried to keep it in her mind as she walk away from that woman, whom from now, she will call that woman is her bestfriend.

She’s still repeat everything her bestfriend said, over and over again until she rested her body in her room which was more like hell for her.

No, stay positive.

Her room is her room.

It’s not a hell. It’s not.

(4)

“you want me to fix you but it’s never enough”

-

10.10 pm

“u home?”

As soon as she seeing that text from him, the thought about how her room feels like ‘hell’ suddenly gone. With a very wide smile, she reply that text. God, she’s so happy that just because of that question. But its not about the question. Its all about whom the text came from. Him.

She is so freaking happy I swear to God

“of course, I will never leaving this hell” send.

Shit.

Why the actual hell could she replying so coldly?? Isn’t she’s happy now? Of course that home feels like a hell before his text came. But why did she said that? Isn’t she’s happy? She should have replying with a happy words like whatever but not that kind of words right??

“good.”

“b there asap”

She is so happy. I mean it.

And just like usual, she sit in her bedroom waitng for him to come.

She’s waiting.

Patiently.

--

09.00 am

The next morning she woke up, realizing she is still in her fucking hell. All alone even she didn’t she him in this room.

She take her phone, checking the message and she didn’t find his text about last night that he will be here.

And he didn’t come.

I told you, reality is a bitch.

One she think he is so good, that her bestfriend trying to convinced her so too, but the reality split it up and making him being a ass.

She will always blaming all of it to the reality, to the life, to the God.

Because she knows, he is really, really good. He is. He will never change. It just the life that hate her too much that they always love to playing with her thought.

And she hated it. She hate herself as much as the life, or the God hating her.

(5)

“Thalia??”

Asshole.

That man, he just came up at 10.10 am in the next day. What a good man.

“no. im not here. Just get the fuck out of here”

“well, im sorry? Im kind of busy? At least im here right??”

So clueless.

“what kind of busy are you trying to talk about this time, asshole??? Nah. Get the hell outta here. I don’t need any company for this time. Well, more like I don’t the kind of company like you, for now. Out.”

“Thalia, don’t you know that I, am, will always here. Around you. Im already lived on your life.”

(6)

Another dreams.

Another clue.

And she didn’t know what the right or wrong anymore.

(7)

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

Shit.

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

Shut up.

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

No. she didn’t. she’s not.

She’s just kicked her ‘good man’

She’s not a good girl. She’s not with his man anymore.

He’s left.

He’s gone.

And he will never comeback though he said that he will all around her.

But she know.

The point is, she’s just kick him in her life

And he did left her.

She’s not. A good girl. Anymore.

---

 to be so-called contiunue..

ahhh #RIPGrammar

A.M

Seratus sepuluh detik menuju pergantian hari, ia masih saja duduk dipinggiran kasur itu, sesekali menggoyang-goyangkan kakinya, uring-uringan di kasur atau bangkit dan membuka tirai jendelanya.

Kemana setan itu pergi?

Harusnya ia sudah berada tepat di kamar gadis ini dari satu jam yang lalu. Karena janjinya begitu. Tapi yah, orang gila mana yang bisa mempercayai janji seseorang yang sama gilanya dengannya?

            Tentu saja gadis ini mempercayainya. Dia selalu begitu terhadap apapun. Sekalipun kau mengatakan suatu saat lemarinya akan berubah menjadi batangan emas jika ia sabar

 menunggu, sudah pasti ia percaya tanpa ada bantahan.

            Itu baru kau yang bukan siapa-siapanya melontarkan kata-kata sampah ia sudah percaya. Apalagi laki-laki ini? makhluk gila yang selalu tidur di siang hari dan bangun di tengah malam.

            Aku tidak berbicara tentang vampir, Demi Tuhan…

            Seperti di tengah malam ini, dia bangun dari tidur (yang menurut gadis ini) tampan. Ia yang tahu laki-laki itu telah bangun dengan cepat-cepat menelfonnya karena ia telah melempar batu ke jendela kamar laki-laki itu melalui jendelanya, tapi sial menghinggapinya karena entah karena terlalu semangat atau gravitasi yang menuntunyya, batu yang dilemparkan itu malah benar-benar terlempar dengan mulus dan menerobos jendela itu sendiri.

            Awalnya ia tersenyum saja, tidak masalah, rumahnya kosong, dan mana berani keluaraga setan itu memarahinya? Jadi ia keluar dari jendelanya dan berjalan menuju balkon untuk mempertajam penglihatannya, siapa tahu ia bisa melihat laki-laki itu melalui lobang di jendela yang dihasilkannya tadi.

            Tahu apa yang lebih sial? Ternyata kamarnya kosong dan gelap. Setan. Pasti setan itu sudah pergi berkeliaran entah kemana.

            Sekali lagi, aku tidak membicarakan vampir.

            Dengan itu ia segera mengambil handphone mahal namun cacat karena gores-gores dibadan handphone itu. ia menekan nomor satu lama-lama dan langsung tersambung ke nomor setan itu. yah, tentu saja, laki-laki setan ini memiliki arti besar baginya jadi ia membuat dial speed hanya untuk laki-laki itu dengan nomor satu. Karena mungkin, dia adalah yang terutama bagi hidupnya, juga mungkin, dia adalah satu-satunya yang dilihat oleh gadis ini

            “ hei.. heeeiiiiiii!!!” terdengar sayup-sayup suara music yang biasa kau dengar di pesta. Yah, inilah kebiasaannya, bangun ditengah malam itu menghadiri pesta yang diadakan oleh siapapun yang merasa dirinya kaya untuk membuat manusia satu sekolahan bisa masuk kedalam rumah dan meminum bir-bir mahal itu. dia sendiri selalu bersemangat dan selalu ada dimanapun pesta diadakan. Kapan lagi bisa mendapatkan bir gratis dan juga, mungkin gadis gratis?

            “ where.are.yo—“

            “ YOU NOW THAT I NEED YOUUUUUUUUU” setan. Dia benar-benar sedang menelpon setan yang saat ini berteriak tepat ditelinganya secara tidak langsung dan seketika terdengar suara music dari Skrillex dan Diplo itu. sial.

            “ hei! Seriously are you thereee? Devil please go outside and listen to me!”

            “already there”

            “w-what, where?” entah otaknya rusak ia langsung saja membuka tirai jendela dan tidak menemukan apapun selainb daun-daun yang berjatuhan karena musim gugur ini “don’t lie to me bitch”

            “in your head maybe? Ahahaa nonono.. im here outside, like what you said sweeeetyyyyyy”

            Tentu saja, bodoh! Ia menepuk dahinya keras-keras

            “hey! You alright?”

            “probably. Listen. You have break your promise.”

            “nonono… I promise that I will never leave ya.. and I never break em y’know.. its just I have to take these beer because I have no money to buy ‘em and you don’t really care. So its you who break your promise to take care of me”

            “son of bitch” dia menyerah. Berbicara dengan orang gila yang kapasitas kegilaaanya makin bertambah karena bir-bir sialan itu memang benar-benar tidak dapat membantu

            “okay.. just leave that party, come to my room. A s a p or I will cut ya throat”

            “whoa. Do ya trying to tease me? Fine just prepared yourself, like maybe some lingerie or—“

            “JUST DO IT BITCH”

            Ia mengerang “fine, maybe at zero a.m. I promise kay” ia melihat

Tuhan.. setan ini benar-benar telah naik tingkat menjadi Incubus.

Lima belas detik menuju hari baru. Setan itu benar-benar belum datang. Ia memejamkan matanya. Lelah karena laki-laki itu atau juga lelah karena otak laki-laki itu yang tidak pernah berjalan. Dalam kegelapan ia melihat sosok yang berusaha memasuki kamarnya dengan memukul-mukul jendela, ia mempertajam penglihatannya. Satu sosok dengan tanduk di kepalanya dan berwarna merah. Seta—n astaga! Ini mimpi? Dia memang meyuruh setan itu untuk kerumahnya tapi laki-laki itu yang dimaksudnya. Bukan setan seperti ini ya Tuhan apa yang terjadi astaga.

“GOD!!!”

“hey!” setan itu mendekat, tapi ia mengeluarakan suara serak khas laki-laki sialan itu setelah meminum berbotol-botol bir.  Sial, dia memang selalu mengatai laki-laki itu setan tapi bukan berarti ia harus berubah menjadi setan seperti ini ya Tuhan!

“hey” untuk kedua kalinya setan itu mengeluarkan suaranya dan kali ini ditambah dengan tangannya yang mendekati wajah gadis itu dan seperti mencoba untuk mencolok matanya

“DON’T TOUCH ME AHHHHHH”

            “hey?” ia membuka matanya dan berdiri dan berlindung dengan selimut juga bantal guling sebagai gantinya. Siapa tahu iler-iler yang membentuk pulau di bantalnya itu bisa berubah menjadi racun dan akan membuat setan itu mati dengan mengenaskan

            “for god sake are you only can say one word ‘hey’ in this world?!”

            “no, technically, I have so many words, but I bet you wont be hear that since all you have doing its just close your eyes like you want to swallowed em, and you face like you just meet an Incubus who want to raped you. See, I have so many words!” sementara penglihatannya masih kabur, ia mengerutkan alisnya, apa yang terjadi?

            Kali ini ia benar-benar membuka lebar matanya dan bersiap-siap untuk melempar banatl guling itu ke wajah si setan.

            Tapi hei, apakah setannya berubah bentuk menjadi laki-laki ini? sejak kapan?

            “you?! Godness, I thought you were a devil or incubus”

            Ia mengerutkan keningnya, jua memutar bola matanya lalu meletakkan tas sandang di meja belajar gadis itu. “seriously, Thalia, I knew you’ve call me devils for a millions time but you cant just say that im the real devils ughh. You have dreaming okay. Now help me to take this out”

            “what’s that?”

            “a beer? a free beer? we will doing an beer’s party?” Thalia hanya memutar bola matanya mendengar cara bicara idiot ini. oke, ia tidak akan memanggil laki-laki itu setan lagi. Sumpah.

            “Liam, you know that is illegal right”

            “illegal what? to drinking em or illegal to take em? If its drinking, you were fucking twenty years old just shut up and let it be and if its take them. No you are a thousand wrong because I take them from Gilbert’s party and you know how rich he is and also wasted and im sure if I take all of them he will never mind because everyone are scared of me”

            “except me”

            Ia mengangguk “except you”

---to be continued--

yaaahh jadi ini another so-called-1d-series hahah ituu, yg ada Going Nowhere(Harry), Tattoo(Zayn) dan Like a Fool(Louis) haha