shameless

(1)

I don’t want to hurt you but you lived for the pain

There was so many thing that you could erased from your highly intelligent brain. That’s what she thought to herself for many years.

But, of-fucking-course. There’s one thing, or several thing that she cant easily erased from her holy brains.

Thinking of that were only make her want to punched herself. God, why the hell did her brain come with that shitty thought when she was on her way to calm her mind?!

Without any doubt, she found her hand were already punch her own head. Hurt? Hell no, suffocating herself was way more better than letting her brain drowns with all of those memories and tragedies that spin around in her head.

One thing for sure; She need him.

Her hand immediately grasp for her phone, unlocked it and open her messages to text him.

God, in this situation she can’t  just talk to him. She didn’t know how to talk to him with her wonderful mouth. She’ll lost her word right when she hear his voice if  she were really want to talk to him.

            Where r u?

            She send that text and then throw her phone that fortunately landed safely in her bed.

            One second later, that poor phone rings. His text. She let her breathe she didn’t know she hold. She knows the he always there for him. Shameless.

            I know that’s not ur point. Be there in 5 min

            She let a wide smile come from her lip. For God Sake, she really adore him.

            While waiting him to come, she opened the stopwatch apps in her phone and set in 5 minutes. And she watch the number of the stopwatch changed and the time flies. This is what she usually do in situation like this.

            3 minutes..

            I swear to God if he come late, I will kick him right in the ass

            She smiled when she hear her thought let out that statement. It will always her thought that make her feel alive. Even sometime her thought have the responsibility to make her feel dead, too.

            And that Man? He always rescued her.

            One fucking minutes left.      

            She heard mumbling voice from the window. Immediately she open the curtain to see the beautiful creatures standing abruptly trying to open the windows. He feel someone watching him and he turn his head to found her. Standing calmly while watching who look like an idiot trying to push some snails to run.

            “you do know that you can help me with open this fucking window, right?”

            “idiot. Nobody forbid you to entered this room by the front door”

            His eyes widened and then realize

            “of course, you didn’t” meaning that nobody live in her house. Of course, her parent was an asshole, and her sister is a fucking whore and then leave alone his girl that trying to stay alive from her deadly thought. And of course she ask him to come to her house. To save her.

            He just didn’t think that her house were empty so he choosed to climb in to her windows. Idiot

            He rolled his eyes “just fucking open the windows, Hudson” her surname. She just smile hearing his voice spelling her name like that. Its just too mesmerized for her.

            “hell nah” and she flee away from those mesmerized eyes to her bed. Let out the breath she didn’t realize she hold.

            And there was enchanted to meet you.

-

            She thought words is really cant let out from her mouth when it come to him, but life is always love to playing with her. She thought about it, and reality split it around and what she thought is nil. But vice versa.

            She don’t know what the hell is happening with her life, what is she doing.

            She don’t know anything.

            That man is the only thing she know in this fucked-up world.

            But right now, she had no idea where the hell he is.

            And her mind doesn’t let her to just called his phone. So she decided to go outside to find him.

            For the first time in whole years, she will go leaving her house.

             If I was him, where would I’ll be in this fucking midnight?

            God. She didn’t really know him. Where was he lived, what he like. She don’t know anything about him. All she know that he was her lifesaver. How could she find him right now? Where she will going to find him?

            She didn’t think about it. Shit.

            Now. What could she do?

            Punch her head. Literally.

            Punishment is really a good thing to do for the sake of her stupid boldness.

            Came out of nowhere. She found a knife in her pocket. She took it, of course

           

(2)

And it started all over again.

Her being a selfish bitch. Ignoring him when she know she needs him. Too much.

And then him being him. Still quiet because he don’t want to piss her off.

But. That quiet. Is the final reason that make her mad.

She still remembering how he said her name. with a little bit doubt, lower voice.  but she know he was saying her name. her nickname. It was an amazing voice that was came out from his mouth when he said her name.

It really is

But then she remember, she’s being a selfish bitch that she ignored that voice. Still wearing that sour face but at the same time her heart and brain is really being happy.

He’s always good at making her feeling happy.

But not with making her face look happy.

God, she is so tired of being selfish bitch like this.

What she want always happen in the bad time.

He always see her in her bad condition

But she know. He will never give up on her.

Never.

He cant.

 Because she always praying to lord for him to be always be with her. Fight her. Don’t let her go.

Please.

(3)

“say it louder, say it louder, who’s gonna love you like me?”

It’s been awhile since she have a ‘real’ talk. This time, she have this conversation with a woman, pretty faces with glasses and always wearing a white outfit no matter what time or day it is. But it’s pretty cool, though, she thought, because that white vibes from that woman makes her soul calm and she think that woman is gorgeous. That’s why she choose her to be the one she will talking with.

Talking about everything

Especially, of course about Him.

“sometimes, you know, I feel like a bitch to him. He is so good oh my God.”

That woman smiles, seems like everything she says was a very big golden for this woman

“I know right?” that woman answer calmly “and you know, what most people say; the good one belong to the good one and vice versa.” She looked at her deeply “you are a good girl, Thalia, don’t try to decline it. You know he is good for you and he never left. That’s mean he is belong to you and just like what you said, he is so good, huh? So did you.”

“you just need to keep it in your mind, you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

“don’t let your mind think otherwise, stay positive. Remember, you are a good girl.”

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

And she tried to keep it in her mind as she walk away from that woman, whom from now, she will call that woman is her bestfriend.

She’s still repeat everything her bestfriend said, over and over again until she rested her body in her room which was more like hell for her.

No, stay positive.

Her room is her room.

It’s not a hell. It’s not.

(4)

“you want me to fix you but it’s never enough”

-

10.10 pm

“u home?”

As soon as she seeing that text from him, the thought about how her room feels like ‘hell’ suddenly gone. With a very wide smile, she reply that text. God, she’s so happy that just because of that question. But its not about the question. Its all about whom the text came from. Him.

She is so freaking happy I swear to God

“of course, I will never leaving this hell” send.

Shit.

Why the actual hell could she replying so coldly?? Isn’t she’s happy now? Of course that home feels like a hell before his text came. But why did she said that? Isn’t she’s happy? She should have replying with a happy words like whatever but not that kind of words right??

“good.”

“b there asap”

She is so happy. I mean it.

And just like usual, she sit in her bedroom waitng for him to come.

She’s waiting.

Patiently.

--

09.00 am

The next morning she woke up, realizing she is still in her fucking hell. All alone even she didn’t she him in this room.

She take her phone, checking the message and she didn’t find his text about last night that he will be here.

And he didn’t come.

I told you, reality is a bitch.

One she think he is so good, that her bestfriend trying to convinced her so too, but the reality split it up and making him being a ass.

She will always blaming all of it to the reality, to the life, to the God.

Because she knows, he is really, really good. He is. He will never change. It just the life that hate her too much that they always love to playing with her thought.

And she hated it. She hate herself as much as the life, or the God hating her.

(5)

“Thalia??”

Asshole.

That man, he just came up at 10.10 am in the next day. What a good man.

“no. im not here. Just get the fuck out of here”

“well, im sorry? Im kind of busy? At least im here right??”

So clueless.

“what kind of busy are you trying to talk about this time, asshole??? Nah. Get the hell outta here. I don’t need any company for this time. Well, more like I don’t the kind of company like you, for now. Out.”

“Thalia, don’t you know that I, am, will always here. Around you. Im already lived on your life.”

(6)

Another dreams.

Another clue.

And she didn’t know what the right or wrong anymore.

(7)

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

Shit.

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

Shut up.

“you are a good girl, Thalia, you are.”

No. she didn’t. she’s not.

She’s just kicked her ‘good man’

She’s not a good girl. She’s not with his man anymore.

He’s left.

He’s gone.

And he will never comeback though he said that he will all around her.

But she know.

The point is, she’s just kick him in her life

And he did left her.

She’s not. A good girl. Anymore.

---

 to be so-called contiunue..

ahhh #RIPGrammar